Why It’s Hard Having Sexual Obsessions (Rant)

1) My slutty friends (TOTALLY JOKING, my friends are great!)

Anyone who’s been on Facebook during engagement season knows the frustration of watching your friends one by one get married off. I was thrilled for the first one, but by now I’m totally over it. It seems that every 19 year old on my friends list got married this year. This isn’t a bad thing and I’m super happy for them, but it gives the opportunity for a lot of obsessions.

You don’t have to be married to bother my OCD, though. Pictures of unmarried couples trigger the anxiety as well.

What’s worse than that are the people constantly posting jokes about “Netflix and chill” and some poor girl “wanting the d.” I’ve seen posts of incredibly sexual drawings that have left me ruminating for hours.

2) Sappy love songs

My OCD can be triggered by even the smallest mention of love. There was a point where I couldn’t even listen to the most innocent of love songs without getting anxious. Whatever happened in the song would always end up in my mind. And, in proper OCD tradition, it would happen with the wrong person. My mind would play out every scene in the song with me and that person. It makes it hard to listen to the radio because I never know what song is going to trigger me next. Don’t even get me started on the blatantly sexual songs.

3) Cute Couple Pictures

Much like the love songs, pictures of couples give me intrusive thoughts. Once again, these pictures could be anywhere. It is all but impossible to avoid them. Not that I should. The more I expose myself to these things, the less anxiety I will have in the long run because I’ll get used to them.

But right now I’m ranting so I’m not thinking of those truths. Let me rant in peace!

4) Stumbling Upon Sexual Education/Blogging Sites.

It seems every few days a friend posts a link entitled something along the lines of “Top 50 Kinky Sex Moves!!!11!!1!!1!” and “What He Wants In Bed!!!1!!1!11!” When I see these things, my anxiety spikes. For some stupid reason, I then get a terrible urge to look at the article for reassurance that it’s not as bad as it sounds. Which, of course, makes everything worse. So now I’m reading about the latest sex moves and my OCD is overjoyed to take in the new material.

This also happens when I walk by an issue of Cosmo in the grocery store. That magazine is basically my nemesis.

5) How Can I Enjoy Law and Order: SVU?

I have a confession to make that everyone probably knows already. I love Law and Order: SVU. I love Olivia Benson’s hardcore attitude and seeing everyone’s story lines unfold. It’s a guilty pleasure. However, it is so hard to sit through episodes that talk about rape. Which is nearly every one.

When my sexual obsessions first became more prominent, they were mostly about rape. It was also mysteriously around the time that I started watching SVU. Which came first? I’m not sure. But having these intrusive thoughts has hindered my enjoyment of the show and any show like it. Especially the more graphic episodes. Once again, it gives my OCD new material.

6) Accidentally Stumbling Upon Porn

That pretty much says it all.
This was especially hard in my Tumblr days. Oh, Tumblr.

You may have noticed a lot of these have to do with the internet. Ever since I was twelve, I’ve pretty much lived on the internet. It has always been my safe haven. A place to go to where I had friends and people who supported me, when I didn’t have that in real life. Websites like Tumblr were my go-to places when I was depressed. Unfortunately, websites like Tumblr also made my depression worse. Being on the internet all the time led to me never leaving my house, which made me feel even more lonely.

Now the internet hurts me in a new way. What was once a safe haven is now a minefield filled with triggers. Youtube is my main source of entertainment, but even on there it’s hard to avoid sexual content. Just watch one PewDiePie video and you’ll see what I mean.

7) Researching OCD

This problem may only exist for mental health bloggers/vloggers, but researching OCD really triggers my sexual obsessions. To no ones surprise, the types of OCD that trigger me are usually sexual related, such as HOCD. I sometimes find descriptions of intrusive thoughts and compulsions too graphic for me. Or sometimes a story of recovery will involve things OCD doesn’t want to hear about. Sometimes these things create more intrusive thoughts and worries. I continue despite this, because I know people need to be educated on these topics.

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Yes, the people need me, OCDGIRL! Educating people and fighting OCD since 2k13.

8) Avoiding Important People

When I was having intrusive thoughts about a therapist while in the OCD Intensive Outpatient Program, it was hard to even sit in a room with him. If he got too close to me or touched me, I would immediately freak out inside. But I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t risk someone knowing I have these embarrassing thoughts.

What made it even worse was that he was my favorite. I loved working with him. We would do exposures for my social anxiety every day and I couldn’t just give him up to OCD. (My determination to continue working with him despite OCD is a good thing, of course.)

It got worse when the thoughts moved on to my psychiatrist. If I had not been doing my exposures, I would dread seeing him because of the terrible anxiety I had leading up to the appointment. One night before an appointment with him, I just started bawling my eyes out because the anxiety was too much to bare. The next day my psychologist and I started doing exposures around seeing him.

It’s the association anxiety that hurts the most. Intrusive thoughts are one thing, but it’s the people and objects associated with the thoughts that give me the anxiety that makes it hard to live my life. There could be a trigger around any corner to cause intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Albeit, the more I work on my intrusive thoughts with exposure and response prevention, the less daily triggers I have.

I have to say, I’ve come a long way from those exposures. It took me two years, but I finally was able to tell my psychiatrist one of my thoughts. And at our last appointment I hugged him and had no anxiety. I would love to still be working with him about these thoughts, but I’m now 1,000 miles away.


 

Other people with sexual obsessions might avoid people of the same sex, opposite sex or children. Since my OCD tends to focus on a specific person, I just have one person I severely want to avoid. However, I am so glad that I didn’t avoid him. By not avoiding him, I was able to have great conversations and make huge progress with my OCD. Through medications and exposures.

Everything on this list triggers my intrusive thoughts. At one point, I would have avoided all of them, but now I do it anyway because I’m not about to let OCD dictate what I do.

The biggest thing that has helped my sexual obsessions was talking about them. If you’re struggling with sexual obsessions, please tell someone. The more details you can give, the better help you can receive. Trust me, if your therapist is any good, your therapist is not going to judge you.

If talking to someone is too hard, try writing them down. Writing down scary thoughts takes some power away from them and helps you separate them from yourself. Because you are not your thoughts. You are not your OCD.

You are not your OCD.

Thank you for putting up with my rant! I hope it enlightened you on some of the struggles those of us with sexual obsessions have. It certainly helped me to get my feelings out.

See you later and hopefully with something more coherent,

Kat

Ps. I was recently interviewed by theOCDstories.com about my OCD story. If you want to check it out, click here.

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4 thoughts on “Why It’s Hard Having Sexual Obsessions (Rant)

  1. Seriously Kat have you thought about watching porn on a regular basis to lessen your anxiety about sexually intrusive thoughts?

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    1. So, the thing about exposure and response prevention is that it’s totally not necessary for someone to watch porn to get over sexual intrusive thoughts. A person with OCD can be triggered by the littlest things, like what I mentioned in this article. It might be someone’s goal to watch porn as an exposure, but for me it isn’t because I don’t want to watch porn from a moral standpoint. There are plenty of PG rated triggers I could use to do an exposure.

      Like

  2. Sometimes you just have to get it all out there. But this is actually very informative and helpful. I am looking forward to hearing your interview! Haven’t got to it just yet, but I plan to!

    Liked by 1 person

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